You realize, of course, the Republican media swine – Beck, Limbaugh, et al – are furious about the quick resolution of the Somalia pirates’ capture of Merchant Marine Captain Richard Phillips. The rescue operation was too smooth, too quiet; no presidential posturing, no presidential comments until the situation was, um, resolved. (I tried to warn the pirates, right? Last week I blogged that they really didn’t have much of a chance of getting out of their adventure alive, right? Remember? I just can’t understand why they didn’t read my blog and, you know, take my advice. Oh well, I tried . . . )
So, this morning – had to do it – I tuned to Fox News Channel to see how the (eek!) wolf-ish looking, herky-jerky male (Steve!) and the android-like female (Gretchen!), the two marionettes who sit on the couch and do NEWS for the brain-dead viewers would report the operation and the positive upward effect it all had on the public’s opinion of President Obama. Not to be disappointed! The two meat puppets opined that he – the Prez – took too long. The nasally Gretchen wondered what was the delay, I mean, you know, whyyyyyyyy the president with all his, weapon things, didn’t just act more, you know, president-ey!
Jesus god, it’s hard to parody Fox people. Where do they come from? One of Rupert’s secret labs where experiments go constantly wrong and things like Steve! and Gretchen! wiggle free? You could see the disappointment in their faces, especially Gretchen’s! (Oh, shit, now we won’t be able to whine all day and bring in all sorts of loser right-wing think tank assholes who can tell us why President Obama can’t be a True Leader Of The Free World And Quickly Kill Pirates and it’s because he’s NOT A U. S. CITIZEN LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!)
So, there they sat. Nonplussed. Flummoxed. Twitchy. Meanwhile, the real news organizations – weak and slimy as they are – were reporting the killing of the three pirates with undisguised glee and lip-smacking relish. A dollar for every time this morning I heard on CNN, MSNBC, ABC, the quasi-law enforcement/military phrases, take ‘em down, take ‘em out, and all that other weird wordplay tee-vee people use when they’re describing a tragedy or near-tragedy and want the viewers to think that underneath the $5,000 Jay Kos-made men’s suits and high-end women’s designer outfits there beats the heart of an adventurer who’d love nothing more than to don a bit of Kevlar, pick up a military assault rifle, and kill, kill, kill the bad guys. Hoo-ahhhhh!!
Now, if Bush were still the Leader Of The Free World, he would have – upon hearing of the killing of the pirates – dressed up like Jack Sparrow, waved a Halloween store cutlass over his head, and strutted round and round the set of Morning Joe while Mika Brezinski clutched her throat and moaned and Joe Scarborough leaned over and told her in his cheesey Florida Panhandle cracker rasp to shut up, goddam it, shut up!
Oy.
Listen. Pirates. Next time you decide to hijack a U. S. -flagged merchant ship . . . don’t. Listen to Uncle Mike here. Don’t do it. You’ll just wind up dead. President Obama is for real. No more tests. Trust me on this. Just ask Harmid Karzai.
Assalamu alaikum.
–MDM
