Don’t Mess With the Missionary Man

Did you go to church (or synagogue? or mosque? or forest circle?) this past weekend, Truthseekers?  Even if you didn’t want to go, it was hard to avoid the good ol’ fashioned tent revival right there on the Washington Mall that replayed over and over and over, hurled without end (amen) on the cable news channels.

And here we thought Glenn ‘Tears of a Clown” Beck was just the latest shiny new model in a line of manufactured NeoCon media stars that periodically infest our airwaves with dramatic, emotional quasi-religious rants about the evils of such radical “liberal”  and hideously destructive concepts as universal health coverage, infrastructure repair, public education, equal rights for gays, and fair labor practices. Who knew that underneath that blond buzz-cut and anointment of Vicks Vap-O-Rub lurked the mind of a Man of God? Move over Limbaugh.  Make way, O’Reilly.  Hannity may be The Baby Jesus, but there’s a new Holy Warrior in the Army of  Murdoch! And to add panache to hubris, Glenn claims all innocence about the uber-coincidence of his rally and the date of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s renown “I Have a Dream” speech at the exact same location exactly 47 years ago.

Glenn said there was no offense intended with the selection of the date and place, it was all-good, because God told him when and where to have the rally.  Kinda like when God told Dim Son to invade Iraq.  Or when God directed Hitler to take over the world.  When NeoCons claim God has spoken to them directly, be afraid.  People generally start turning up dead all over the place.

Just an aside – when loopy Uncle Louie makes a wild-eyed confession that Oprah Winfrey sent him on a mission to loosen all the plastic caps from toothpaste tubes at Walmart, how is this different than the messages this madman receives and maniacally relates to his masses with random nonsensical scribblings on a whiteboard? In both instances, is not psychosis afoot? But I digress . . . .

“For too long, this country has wandered in darkness. … We have had moments of brilliance and moments of darkness. But this country has spent far too long worried about scars and thinking about the scars and concentrating on the scars. . . . America today begins to turn back to God . . . .” , Beck, fighting tears (naturally), proclaimed in grand Hestonian fashion during his “Restoring Honor” Teabagger rally/MLK desecration event on Saturday.  Amen, brother! Pull us out of the darkness, Reverend Glenn! Baptize us in bathtubs of Lipton to sanctify our scars, anoint us with Vicks and save us from the demon (not fully-white, Muslim) Obama!

Beck just needs some dental caps, hair implants, a jar of Dippity-Do, and a shiny pair of wing tips and he can take over for his slightly older Doppelganger Pat Robertson next time ol’ Pat heads off on a “missionary” mission to his African diamond mines.  In fact, with Beck’s Goldline connections and Robertson’s blood diamond cache, these multi-millionaire men of God could partner up in the salvation-and-discount fine jewelry business!

You can almost see the infomercial now . . . This Valentine’s Day, strengthen your relationship with your Savior AND your covenant wife with a life-changing “Restoring Hope” gold crucifix accented with authentic Holy Blood Red Diamonds . . . . tell her you’d marry her for ANOTHER eternity, and that you’ll love her even when Jesus gives her a new body after her earthly form is destroyed in the hellfires of holy warfare in the End of Days preceding her Rapture! . . . For a limited time, every buyer will receive a commemorative, numbered “Turning to God” Glenn Beck bobble head with every purchase!  Place this miraculous miniature saint on your dashboard and it will protect you from evil spirits, traffic jams,  socialists, and police radar, and the eyes cry real tears!” Hey Glenn, while you’re restoring Hope and God and all that, how bout you restore some of the money Goldline stole from those flat-lined Americans you claim to represent?  

Poor Glenn. His comedy routine on the Mall would be more convincing if it were original.  Did you ever see one of those old grainy 35 mm Nazi propaganda films from the 1930′s?  Where Adolph is prancing around in his jackboots,  spouting his Nazi rhetoric about restoring honor to Germany with God’s help?  Glenn should be sued by The Boys From Brazil for copyright infringement.  If this is Glenn Beck’s idea of turning to God, then I’m doubleplusglad I’m an atheist.

Back to Beckfest 2010.  Not to be outdone, the darling daughter of the Religious Right, Ms. Sarah Palin herself ascended the podium in a virgin-white ensemble (guess she couldn’t find her hood) and cried out to heaven “We must not fundamentally transform America, as some would want. We must restore America and restore her honor. Here today, at the crossroads of our history, may this day be the change point . . . . You are Americans! You have the same steel spine and the moral courage of Washington and Lincoln and Martin Luther King. It is in you. It will sustain you as it sustained them.“

Struck by the Spirit, Sister Sarah then fell to her knees, hands extended beyond the statue of Lincoln toward the heavens and  began speaking in tongues . . . or maybe she was just calling out the names of her children. Hard to tell.

Noticeably absent from the rally was anyone from Palin’s home church in Wasilla, one of myriad Assemblies of God.  You remember: the freaks who claim Jesus would’ve endorsed the war in Iraq and invite guest preachers to perform ritual exorcisms to ward off witches and lay hands on Ms. Palin to cast out any demonic influences.  (Shhhh . . . . it didn’t work). But the Reverends Beck and Palin did nab a notable name to lend “legitimacy” to their blatant bitch-slap to the real heroes of the Civil Rights movement: Dr. Alveda King, niece of MLK.  It is difficult to imagine how any relative of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (although the most important question Alveda must have had for Rev. Glen was, “Okay, but when do I get my check?” The offshoots of Dr. King are, um, fascinated with the money) could share the same air with this cretin.  Beck  called president Obama a “racist with a deep seated hatred of white people,” and then stated the goal of his rally-cum-tent revival was to “reclaim” the Civil Rights Movement for “our (white?) side” because “we started it.”

Worse, following the freak show 0n Saturday, Beck reinforced his outrageous attitude toward Obama, stating taht the President’s philosophy was best described as “Marxism disguised as religion.”

Alveda, you support this monster?  If he was alive today your Uncle would be giving you the dressing-down of the century for your stunt.  But he was assassinated by the kind of people inspired by the Glenn Becks of this world.

So . . . . is this The End?  Are we there yet?  Have we reclaimed the Civil Rights movement and turned the U.S. back to God?   Isn’t it time for Glenn Beck to rapture on outta here?  He can take Sarah Palin, the Eva to his Adolph, with him so he can enjoy Palin’s perky pom-pom’d personal cheerleading service during his ascension to his heavenly home.

Okay Glenn . . .. Ready, Set, RAPTURE!